Thursday, July 30, 2009

Taking Thursday off... kinda

I'm emotionally exhausted today and don't feel like researching or blogging much.  My Aunt Deanna sent me an email earlier so I could correct my brother Brian's birth year (1957, not 1959... sorry Brian) and I sent her an email that kind of explained how the last couple of days have been for me.  I thought I'd share it with you...
It took me 2 days and a whole lot of kleenex and bubblebaths to get through writing about my Dad yesterday.  I'm a member of Geneabloggers and the Tuesday writing prompt is "Tombstone Tuesday" and people post pictures of headstones and cemeteries (it is a great source of info about ancestors!).  I really wanted Dad to be one of my first entries, but it didn't do him justice to just post a picture of his headstone.  It seemed disrespectful to me.  So then I read and entry last week that a gal wrote about her Dad and it seemed natural to follow her lead and do a full blown out article.  He's the whole reason that I started researching in the first place.

I wish we would have had more actual conversations while he was still here.  It's been 5 years now and my heart is still broken.  I was talking to my boyfriend Scott last night and trying to explain why this affects me so much still.  He still has both of his parents.  We've both been through divorces, so I told him it's kind of like going through that only you've known this person your entire life and there's no hope that there will ever be another person to fill that hole they left.  You can always find another spouse... I'll never have another Dad.

I know he's still hovering around and looking out for me and witnessing my life, but I sure wish that he was here in body as well as spirit.

2 comments:

  1. KATHY, I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL. IT HAS BEEN 4 MONTHS SINCE MY MOM PASSED AWAY. I STILL FEEL SO LOST WITHOUT HER. UNCLE SONNY WAS SO MUCH FUN TO BE AROUND AND I MISS HIM DEEPLY. ISN'T IT STRANGE THAT MOM, UNCLE BOB, UNCLE SONNY AND MY GRANDPA ALL PASSED IN THE MONTH OF MARCH. I TOOK THURSDAY OFF TOO.

    LOVE LINDA

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  2. Thank you for your post on my blog site. It's nice to know that other people are reading my blog besides my dad and friends. Also, it helps to know that other people can relate to what I'm dealing with. I think about my mom every day and wish there was some way I could bring her back to me, back to my dad, back to my kids. I miss her deeply and then little things happen that seem to intensify that ache, like a slap in the face that she's really gone.

    I guess I knew the answer to my question before I even asked it. I know the pain will lessen with time. But it will never go away completely. Some days are easier than others, and then there are days that seem impossible and I can't wait for night to come so I can sleep and forget for just a little while. I don't dream about my mom, although I wish I did.

    I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. I hope things get easier. I can really relate to one thing you wrote above "I wish we would have had more actual conversations while he was still here." I feel the same way. There's so much I want to talk to my mom about and I can't. I didn't talk to her when I had the chance to. I can't even begin to describe the guilt I feel at times because of this.

    Take care,

    Kathy

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